Behind Daisy's Mind

Hi, my name is Daisy Alcaraz and this is my story about my Eating Disorder. I feel so glad to be sharing it with you all 💛

This all started because I was trying to lose weight. I hated the way I looked, I hated my body, I was tired of looking like this. So I made a routine for myself that I thought would be good -- by exercising everyday, forcing myself to wake up at 6:00 AM everyday even if I was tired, and cutting out all protein and sugars and only eating fruits, vegetables, cereal, and oatmeal for 4 months. I thought that eating protein like chicken and rice would make me gain weight, so I cut it out and that’s when things went down hill. I even cut out my favorite cereals and replaced them with healthier versions and changed the milk that I drink to a low-fat kind. I thought that by doing all of this, I would lose weight and have the ideal body I always wanted...

It worked and I did start to lose weight but I went too far and I didn’t realize it. I started to think that drinking too much water would make me fat so I started to drink only half a cup everyday and sometimes I wouldn’t even drink anything. I even thought swallowing my own saliva would cause me to gain weight, which I now know is ridiculous. It got to the point where I thought breathing in air would cause it too, so I would try to not breathe to much air in. I don’t know what I was thinking -- I was miserable.

I thought that if I were to become thinner and smaller, I would be happy and that I wouldn’t be judged by others anymore but it was hurting me and I could tell it was hurting my friends and family too. It was my friend's birthday and I missed out on it because of this. She offered me a cookie; I said no and I felt bad. It was her birthday and I didn’t enjoy the foods she had just because I wanted to be thin. I even brought my own bag of fruits over to her house. Even for Halloween, I missed out again -- I brought a bag of fruit instead of enjoying candy and treats. It got to the point where I thought that if I ate too much fruit I would gain weight. I would have to count how many pieces of fruit I would eat and if I went over like 13 I would not be happy with myself. If I felt like I ate too much fruit, vegetables, oatmeal, or cereal, I would do extra exercise as a punishment to my body which was exhausting and I didn’t enjoy it. I would also eat yogurt with granola, but I always had to find a low-calorie, non-fat yogurt and a low-calorie granola packet. I was always looking at the calories for everything. I was punishing myself by only eating fruits, vegetables, yogurt, cereal, and oatmeal. While doing this, I would always remember the past. I remembered enjoying my favorite cereals that I couldn’t eat anymore because they were not healthy enough to lose weight. I was obsessed with the scale, always going on it to see if I gained. If I were to gain a pound or just even half a pound, I would punish myself by not eating because I thought I was getting fat. This went on for 4 months and I also remembered looking at the TV when I would see commercials of foods that I use to eat. I would be like, "I miss eating that, but I will soon. I just wanna loose some weight." Well, those words took a turn when I started my recovery.

I didn’t know it would be so hard to get back to eating those foods again. I was upset. When my dad told me I went too far with this, I didn’t wanna believe him. But a few days passed and I was done. I noticed that during all of this, I was more in a bad mood and I was always tired. I didn’t have enough energy and would always feel sleepy. I would always stay in my room and it was annoying. It was just getting worse and worse. I was not able to use the bathroom normally anymore; it was too hard and I even lost my period. It got to a point where I was so done and I couldn’t take it anymore. I was in class (online) and I just started to get emotional, I started crying. I remembered all the good times from way back when I wasn’t going through this, I remembered being able to enjoy whatever I wanted and just hang out with friends and family eat with them not feel guilty and just enjoy my life. And I also remembered what was happening when I hung out with friends and family; I would watch them eat and I wouldn’t join in on it unless it was fruit, and sometimes even if it was, I wouldn’t. I felt so alone and left out. I was getting more emotional and I just wanted it to end. I felt like my life was gone and I wanted it back.

I talked to my parents and told them I want help, I want this nightmare to end. They were happy that I wanted the help 💛  We started going to the doctors and making appointments to get the help I needed. I had to get blood taken from me and it was really scary because I’ve never gotten blood taken from me. They did some tests on me first and they told me some shocking things, like that I needed more vitamins and my blood sugar was low. The most shocking one was that I was so close to being hospitalized, I got saved my 3% and I’m happy it didn’t get to that point and I’m getting the help I need now. After the test and talking to me about my body, I had to go get my blood taken. I was shaking I was scared once they did it, it felt like a pinch and a lot of pressure it did hurt but it was okay. After that I had to wait for results and then when I had another appointment with my doctor she told me my results and everything else I needed to know. She let me know that she was gonna keep up with me and that I would have a Nutritionists and a Psychiatrist helping me too. She gave me medications that I needed to keep up with and that’s where we are right now.

In my other post, I wrote that I got chick fil a. I got to eat my favorite food again. I was really nervous but I did it. I got to also bake cookies and brownies and just enjoy myself. I tried my hardest to block out my head from stopping me and it sometimes works but there are times where it wins and I don’t like that. It makes me feel sad and guilty. There’s also moments where, after I eat, I start to cry,, but I’m working my very hardest to recover and get back to the happy life I had and with the help of my family and the doctors, I know I will get there. 

If you're going through this, I know you will recover too and you will win this fight. Anyone going through this or anything else, I believe in you and I have faith in you because you are strong. We are all strong. You are valid! Never forget that💓

Thank you for taking the time to read this post. If you want to continue following me on my journey, follow my recovery journey account (@daisys_recovery_journey). You can also follow my main account (@flowerosegirl) where I post about me, my friends, and family. Thank you again💛